I Tried Sugar Dating And All I Got Was Trauma
Honestly, this was the final straw I had with trying to connect with guys.
As many of you know, I’m in an EMN relationship. This means that, on occasion, I will try to find a play partner. It’s been awful as of late — awful to the point of me wondering if men even like women at all.
Around November, a guy approached me and told me he’d be willing to hire me. He just wanted to do a documentary on sugar dating and he wanted to start up a sugar dating coaching company.
I was so thrilled to hear about it. A documentary! Yes, I’d be willing to go on sugar dates. I set up a profile and started trying to date. It was meant to be real, live footage of my experiences.
I was hoping that I would have been able to capture an amazing journey where I breathed new hope into modern dating. I wanted to get the magic connection, the talks about how men healed from it through sugaring, the works.
I wish I hadn’t done this.
Any hope of decency went out the window — with an exception for one guy who became my friend after this. Let me explain the debacle that is sugar dating and how shit all went up in flames.
First, I should have known better when the documentary guy asked me to go with him to Vegas.
I usually am a lot more jaded, but at this point, I really wanted to believe that this guy had the legit backing. I needed hope. I needed something to work out because everything was crashing and burning around me.
He had no viable product but wanted to go to Vegas to interview people. I told him I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t advertise until I knew we had a guide, a product, and a class setup for potential clients. Yet, he was talking about going to the Wynn penthouse.
It didn’t take too long for him to cool down and switch to other projects he had me work on…you know, before totally pulling the rug underneath my feet without warning and shutting me out entirely. I feel like I got cheated. Big time.
But, I digress. I was in a bind. Sugaring seemed like a good way to maybe make my life better. I wanted to have experiences that were better than the ghosting, no-shows, and psychos of Tinder.
It wasn’t.
The interactions I had with “sugar” daddies were more like salt and bitter orange than sweet.
Make no mistake about it. These men claimed to love women and said they’d “provide for the right one,” but they didn’t want to actually gift me anything. They did not like women.
Some of the pearls I got were:
“Let’s just face it, you just want my money.” Um, no. I actually was looking for a connection and thought sugaring would also help me out financially. I was also looking for someone to believe in me and mentor me on a project I wanted.
“*sends unsolicited dick pic, then ghosts when I refuse to entertain it*” Ugh. I’m so glad I’m pansexual. Men have made it very hard for me to want to be around them with this shit.
“You won’t send me nudes? I paid for a date!” Yeah, I’m allowed to have boundaries, you petulant sniveling fuck.
“I’m not looking to know you. I just want ass.” Then date an escort, dumbass. You know what you’re asking for is illegal, right?
Most of them would flake on me or would refuse to meet unless I guaranteed sex. I did not feel human with these men and it genuinely destroyed my opinion of modern dating as a whole.
What really struck me about all these moments was that the guys did not even try to make a meetup nice.
When I’d meet up with them, I’d try to talk to them. I’d ask them about their lives, try to get them to engage with me, and do whatever I could to bring a smile to their faces. I literally just wanted to see if there was a connection.
These men just gave a bored look, like they’re passing the time. Then they’d ask for sex or nudes. It just hurt. I put in a lot of effort to try to at least make them feel something. They didn’t. They didn’t care.
Truth be told, I was treated better when I was an escort back in my twenties. It doesn’t shock me, though. A lot of the men who I spoke to told me that a lot of women pretty much set up escort services on these sites.
I just feel bad for those girls because the way men treat women on there should be illegal. The sugar daddies don’t like women. They like female-shaped punching bags and fleshlight that don’t say no.
It made me think about how most men have treated me in my life.
Did you ever have a breaking point when you realized that most of your problems came from people who kept saying they were going to save you? Yeah, I had that.
It really sank in after everything broke down. Every major letdown I had in life was from a guy who would sell me a pie in the sky, then not deliver. Every time I passed a manuscript to a guy, he’d say he read it, then never would.
Every time I had a guy claim he’d invest in me, he’d pull away at the last moment. And you know what? I didn’t deserve that kind of repeat betrayal, especially when it harmed my finances.
I don’t know what else to say. I really don’t. I came into sugaring with the hope that I could maybe heal some of the past trauma I had. I thought these guys were the “good guys” men keep claiming to be.
They’re not. They’re actually some of the worst.
At least with Tinder, I know the men are abusive flakes there.
Somehow, this betrayal, the abuse, the absolute dehumanization…that was my tipping point. It just broke me in a way that I can’t fully explain. I can’t help but get angry and hateful. I sometimes wish I was born a man so I could be a person to these people.
And I realize that’s the trauma talking, but let’s face it. I’ve made my decision to walk away from male play partners. I can get therapy. But real talk, why did it have to get to this point?
The one friendship I got out of it was with a guy who was just in the same situation as I was.
Not for nothing, but that dude is fascinating. I could talk to him for hours about the books he’s read, the cool stories he hears, and all the little things that he learned that day.
Much like myself, he didn’t feel like he “fit in” in the sugar scene. We still keep in contact and chat from time to time, often with jokes about how we met. I see him as a person, and he sees me.
He, like myself, was revolted at how other men treated me. He didn’t want to be associated with the abuse, so he deleted his profile. Did it work out as play partners? No, but goddamn, he’s an incredible friend.
I don’t want to hear men talk about how they would provide for women and save them.
So, that’s how my documentary attempt ended: crashing and burning, thanks to the very men it was supposed to praise. I’m honestly relieved that I didn’t post anything advertising this.
I don’t want to hear men whine about gold diggers. Honestly, any gift I got, I’d take as reparations for the absolute dogshit behavior these “daddies” pulled on me. They aren’t sugar daddies as much as they are antifreeze daddies—poisonous but occasionally sweet.
And frankly? This was the final break where I decided I’d rather pay for a sex worker than try to find a sex partner from a regular guy. At least with the sex worker, I know I’d be getting some customer service that involves a positive experience and less disappointment.
I don’t want to hear how great all these guys were only to have “a stupid bitch reject me.” I don’t believe those sugarshits who they say they actually would do anything for a girl — and neither should any women, either.
If someone wants to say they love women to me, they better show me. But let’s face it, they won’t. In order for a sugar daddy to actually be sweet, he’d have to follow through with his actions and actually want a connection.
And we can’t have that happen, can we?
This is a heartbreaking post. I've known from my own writing how many toxic, frustrated men there are out there who are incapable of making any kind of connection. The death threats via email get old when you post anything about how human beings should be nice to each other, but I rarely have to endure this kind of abuse face to face. Thanks for sharing this insight into the reality of our world. It helps illuminate what needs to be fixed.
Weirdly, I have had women connect to me electronically, hoping for a "sugar daddy" relationship, but they always flee when I tell them I've been married for 29 years and have no money.
Other women contact me electronically trying to get me to invest in Bitcoin, crypto, spot gold, and other scams. They also flee when I tell them that I have no money and do not invest with people I've never met face-to-face.
Then I get women who profess endless love to me -- but need my money for groceries. One asked me to stand in as her boyfriend to get vast sums of money from her inheritance. Another sent me a ghastly photo of her bloody feminine hygiene product and sought money to pay for her condition.
I blocked the former and yelled at the latter for sending me a horrific picture. Then I blocked her.
There are too many weird people in the world.