Are We Competing Ourselves To Death?
A story from Ossiana's childhood raises a question about how we treat competition.
“Whether you realize it or not, you’re competing with Alyssa*,” my female relative said. Oh, I was well aware.
At the time, I was 14 years old and was studying at one of the most hyper-competitive schools in the state. This was a school where people would have breakdowns over getting a 92. If you weren’t the best, you were bullshit to everyone around you.
I didn’t like Alyssa. In fact, I resented her deeply. At 14 years old, it seemed like Alyssa was always there to steal my thunder no matter what I did. And the worst part? She followed me from my first middle school to my goddamn high school.
If I got an A, she’d get an A+. I had one friend I had to have sex with to keep around, while she was one of the most popular in school. While I sucked at sports but occasionally managed to do something not entirely useless, she’d score that final win.
At one point, I had a total meltdown because I went to a beauty pageant to try to raise my dead-in-the-dirt self-esteem, and guess who was there…Yep. Alyssa. To rub salt in the wound, Alyssa won the award I was expecting to win.
It felt like I could never cut a break with that girl around. I just wanted one goddamn win against Alyssa—something to make me feel like I wasn’t a complete failure when pit against her by the school and our parents.
After a certain point, I started crash dieting to beat her at something. To get specific, I went vegan and very low-calorie to get a hotter body. Her weight was the only thing that was considered to be less desirable than mine. What could go wrong?
I figured this would give me something to cling to, just to feel a little better.