Learned Helplessness vs. Weaponize Incompetence
Learned Helplessness vs. Weaponize Incompetence
No, your partner isn’t a case of “learned helplessness,” he just doesn't want to do the dishes.
For the better part of six years, I’ve been applying to jobs left and right. I just want *a* job loosely related to my field of copwriting. Ideally, I’d get paid above-average wages because I do have a track record of success.
At this point in my life, I’ll be thrilled with the federal minimum wage. I’ve been applying for so long, I’ve actually started to doubt my writing skills. No one tells you this, but continual rejection for a job does a number on your confidence.
You know what else has been eating at my confidence? Pitching dozens of people for a food magazine, a joint effort publication, or the money for Prezly so I could just start my own PR firm.
Many would agree, but would later vanish on me. Of course. The last straw for me happened with a client that I’ve been badgering about press releases for the better part of three years.
He hired someone else to do that job instead of me, for over 20 times the cost. Lately, people have been giving me the same platitudes of, “Don’t worry, things will get better.”
I am tired of trying to push people into listening to me. I’m sick of doing everything right, even hiring a career coach, only for nothing to show up with an offer letter.
Recently, I had someone accuse me of “weaponized incompetence” for being the reason that I don’t have a job. This isn’t true. Our society is dealing with two major groups of “no try” people: the learned helpless and the weaponized incompetent.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m becoming a picture definition of “learned helplessness.”
Not for nothing, but I’ve done so much to try to better my lot in life. I invested in my writing. I’ve hired marketers to tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’ve begged for feedback from clients.
I’ve gotten my tax situation straightened up. I declared bankruptcy. I stopped drinking. All I wanted was a regular work schedule and a place of my own. I lost that, and I kept trying to make things better.
And you know what? Nothing’s worked.
I normally tell people to keep trying, but honestly? I don't want to try anymore. I’m at the stage in life where I genuinely feel like nothing is going to work, even if I put in the effort to make things work.
What good is another 100 resumes in peoples’ inboxes going to do for me, eh? That’s just another five hours gone and another 100 people who will reject me. That’s where my mind is at.
In psychology, this is what is known as “learned helplessness.”
When a client has repeatedly tried to better their lot, only for nothing to occur, they may stop trying to improve their lives at all. They have learned from past results that trying to improve their life won’t work.
I’m at the point where I have all but given up on myself.
Learned helplessness is often mistaken for weaponized incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence is a hot topic on relationship boards. It’s the act of feigning incompetence to get out of doing chores or work you don’t want to do.
A textbook example of this is the husband who “messes up” dinner because he “didn’t know” how to cook a recipe from a recipe book. Or the husband who dyes everyone’s clothes pink because he “didn’t know colors could run.”
In school, kids are quickly becoming masters of weaponized incompetence. I even heard of a teacher being told by a student that they couldn’t sharpen their own pencil — and the student was ready to keep staring blankly at the teacher until the teacher did it for them.
Weaponized incompetence can hurt the “incompetent” by getting in the way of their relationships, causing resentment, or just making them look like an idiot to the wrong person. However, there’s a catch here.
If you’re weaponizing incompetence, the truth is that you could do the thing if you needed to. You just don’t want to do it and you’re pushing that task onto someone else. You’re not helpless. You’re playing the role to exploit someone.
Learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence have two different “cures.”
Both learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence are on the rise — and they truly shouldn’t be. Both attitudes end up eating away at the fabric of society in different ways.
How to cure learned helplessness: empowerment
The cure for learned helplessness is success, or even doing something on behalf of the helpless person. A person who gets a job through networking or otherwise can always look back and say, “Yes, I did that. I am not helpless.”
I don’t feel powerful right now. I don’t feel like there’s much hope for my career or work life. I just feel resentful and angry, like I’m being told to play a losing, rigged game.
Then again, that’s the scent of learned helplessness. We tried, nobody’s biting.
How to cure weaponized incompetence: consequences
The cure for weaponized incompetence is simple: consequences. A friend of mine had a boyfriend named Bobby*. Bobby thought it’d be wise to wreck her dishes to prove that he shouldn’t be trusted to wash them.
Bobby was not shocked when she was upset. He was, however, shocked by her decision to dump him on the spot. He started to stammer about how “he just didn’t know!”
My friend said, “Is that why you were able to load up the washer in your own apartment without an issue? Because you didn't know? I don’t want to be with a man who’s so useless that he can’t wash dishes.”
Boom. Just like that, Bobby tried to offer cash or anything for a second chance. She wisely said no. From what I heard, Bobby thought twice about pulling that later on.
Another good example of this? The consequences that happen in the workplace. A coworker of mine tried this. Eventually, our manager said, “Since Theo* can’t seem to understand the task, he’s fired. Ossiana, you take over.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like our society is rewarding the wrong people.
Does anyone else get the weird vibe that society seems to cushion the people who seem to exploit hardworking people more than people who keep trying despite all the odds?
Right now, maybe it’s my salty vibes being bitter over being rejected for jobs, but I find it wild to think there are people who are using weaponized incompetence to keep their job while people like me are being passed over.
There are so many hard working people, just like me, wishing for a job or investment that no one gives them. They’re being punished for their own ambition — and trust me, they’re aware of it.
And, with every person who gets too discouraged to continue finding work, the labor market and business world will become more and more difficult to enter.
After all, HR is going to find new ways to cover their asses, new loopholes to get their buddies a job, and new ways to just make us feel like we’re not enough for a minimum wage job.
Man. Imagine if society rewarded hard work.
I feel every word of this. It’s why I write books, have a Substack, write on Medium and do some freelance SEO on the side: Nobody will hire me! I was the editor of a daily newspaper, I did copywriting and digital advertising, can write and direct video scripts, etc. My skills are good. Yet I was passed over for every job.
I gave up after doing all the things I was told I needed to do. Applying for jobs is time-consuming and my efforts are better spent writing on my own. I am lucky to have health insurance through my husband and to be ok with living a very simple life with few frills. My house is nearly paid off, thank goodness.
Nothing I do provides a living on its own. Each thing together adds a bit.
I wish I had an answer.
I'm sorry to read what you have been experiencing (you're WAY talented......you deserve so much better!).....but for what it's worth, know that you aren't alone. I've been experiencing the same, but in what I do for work. I don't think many of the jobs out there are "real." And I don't think many recruiters know how to screen candidates properly. I wonder if a lot of the problem comes down to an increase in fraud and extreme understaffing with at times, the wrong people in the wrong roles.
Fraud. If you do a search on fraud and the DOJ - so many cases come up. I have talked to my banker about fraud and it's rampant. I write this because it points to your line about the wrong people getting rewarded. I don't think it's a coincidence that the rise of Trump also caused a rise in fraud and nonsense. Some are rising in leadership positions who may not belong there. And they don't want people who know what they are doing working with them (or people who are ethical on their team) because then their gig is up. So many factors here....even including some of the issues around AI and ethics (pricing to creative access, etc.).
Extreme understaffing and the wrong people in the wrong roles. This is already starting to nibble at our bottoms in half-baked digital experiences that aren't fully tested. Employees are tired and spread too thin. Some are in the wrong job and in over their heads. Mistakes are made. Sometimes, a leader knows what's needed but sometimes the leader doesn't even know where to start. Or who to ask. It's a mess. Our chipper "you can do anything" thinking is literally hurting us - putting people in jobs where they don't belong....and don't know how to hire to make their lives better. And the ones who do know....they don't have budget.