“Sorry I Can’t Marry You, I’m Trying To Kill My Spleen.”
Or, how one of the more extreme stories of my life can tell you a lot about commitment and fear.
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Joss* got himself into some shit.
At first glance, he has everything a guy wants — kinda. He has a decent career, his own apartment in New York City, and he has a fiancee named Emma*.
Emma is, by many definitions, a catch. She has her own business designing cute tee shirts. It’s expanding into pants soon. She is also a model and is currently bankrolling Joss as he wraps up school.
Joss’s parents love Emma. Emma loves Joss. Joss…doesn’t seem to love Emma. In fact, he’s dying to get away from her. Literally.
Joss is a man who genuinely can’t say no, even when his future happiness is on the line.
Have you ever met someone who acted like a passenger in his own life? I have. This is something that happens in families that are ultra-high-pressure and obsessed with image.
In many cases, it can also happen when you’ve been abused or manipulated for so long that you gave up on trying to stand up for yourself. Regardless of why it happened, Joss might be one of the worst cases of it I’ve personally seen.
What’s strange is that Joss has people he can talk to about this. He has a support network outside of his family. He just…can’t actually voice it anymore. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he won’t have it.
To a point, I get it. If he leaves Emma, he will lose his school tuition and the side business he’s so passionate about. It doesn’t matter that he resents her or is not attracted to her. He is at the point where he needs her.
Worse, his family pressured him into proposing. This is where this case goes from bad to worse.
Rather than break up with Emma, Joss has decided to significantly shorten his life.
Joss has a kidney disorder that makes drinking and drug use a risk to him. Not only has he started to throw out the medication he purchases, but he’s also taken to using drugs that can hurt him.
At his family’s behest, he proposed to her about four years ago. They are still engaged. There is no wedding date on the board and it’s pretty obvious to everyone that Emma has a “shut up ring.”
He’s gotten to the point that he will do herculean amounts of drugs every time Emma pressures him for a wedding date, just so he can end up in the hospital and avoid the conversation.
To a point, I think Emma knows that something isn’t right here. She watched so many couples meet, date, and walk the aisle throughout her relationship. And yet…she still has no wedding date in mind.
Girls have tried to warn her. He’s tried to cheat on her with her friends before, but Emma has ignored them. In fact, she tends to cut people out who try to tip her off.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy is real with them both.
It says something powerful when you would rather literally drop dead than marry the woman that you are engaged to. I wish that I could snap him out of it, because he absolutely could rebuild his life with someone else if he chose to.
Joss won’t give up his situation because he’s been with her for about seven years. He would lose the respect of his family, run out of tuition, and also lose his business. Emma does love him, but he does not love her.
If anything, he resents her because he feels trapped with her. She’s got the Golden Handcuffs on him hard and rather than take the loss, he feels obligated to stay with her. After all, he’s already so deep into this, right?
Emma, while definitely more of the innocent party in this, isn’t much better at the end of the day. When everyone around you is screaming “GIRL! RUN!” you need to listen.
She is the type of girl who won’t let go because she wants to prove a point that she can get a guy to commit — her own self-esteem and joy be damned. She’ll try harder and harder to please him, until she breaks.
It shouldn’t have to be this way.
Joss, if he could just break things off, could rebuild so that he doesn’t feel beholden to a woman he’s not into. He could have a stern, adult talk with his family where he explains that he just doesn’t like her and please stop trying to force her on him.
Emma, if she could find the strength to walk away, could have a way fatter bank account. She also could find a guy who actually likes her and is willing to commit…because Joss? He’s not it.
The older I get, the more I see people who regret going along with society’s expectations.
I know way too many people who are randomized versions of Joss — people who go along with what people expect of them, just because it’s the path of least resistance.
I see men who wish they pursued music, but became accountants because it’s safer. I see women who mused that they wish they could wear goth clothing, but “oh, I could never wear that, what would people think?”
Too often, our families and societies pressure us to date someone we’re not into because “that’s just what you do” and “she’s a sweet girl.” These peoples’ inconveniences are not your emergency.
If they don’t like that you don’t want to be with someone, that’s their problem. Your life choices impact you, not them. You are going to be the person to live with the haunting words of “what if,” not them.
Don’t be a Joss. Don’t be an Emma.
I assure you, killing yourself to avoid a wedding date is not the way to go. And Emma? You deserve better.
I'd love to see you write about the near-fatal White Chick Disease: Pretty Princess Syndrome. It's the one which maniacally drives all white chicks to do ANYthing to be married! They will upend their lives to fly across the world to be with a dude they met online. They will put up with men who demean their looks, police their diets and convince them to engage in sex acts they don't want, they will demean and debase themselves for years trying to please a man who obvious to everyone else, clearly doesn't want to be botherered. They will get their families to bankroll and support a dude who has never shown one inkling that he can or will repay the favor. And they do this because they want to show the world that they truly are the Pretty, Pretty Princesses of their fairy tale books who waited for their frog to turn into a prince by 'their' special powers and forever have bragging rights as a legend!
If they stopped giving men so much power over their dreams, actual heroes willing to prove their worthiness would be flocking!
I know some people my age and older (60s)who have done this-it inevitably led to divorce. The horrible experience seems to have woken them up and helped them achieve a better life. Sometimes people have to go through these trials to figure themselves out. But yes, it would be better if they could figure things out without going through hell first.