“Listen, if you want to not come, please tell me,” I said. “I need to know just in case.”
“No, I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” he said. “I already booked the room.”
Avery* was giving me an odd vibe that he didn’t want to see me, so I figured I’d ask. He said he’d go to this video event with me, down in South Jersey. I canceled a plan I had as a backup and waited.
He never came.
Not going to lie, I was very upset for a number of reasons.
First off, I was having a hard time in my living situation. I needed a night away from it all desperately and didn’t have the money to afford a cheap hotel room on my own. Second, he lied when he could have just said no. Third, he also wasted my time.
When I realized that he ghosted me, I texted him and told him that it was a low thing to do. And that I would have never behaved that way with him. Then, I cut contact.
About three months ago, he tried to call me. I told him that I was not interested in talking to him. He then tried to get others to talk to him, claiming it was a matter of a jealous fan of his. I stopped answering.
You know, they always say ghosts come back.
And I’ve noticed that they do — at least, more often than not. As a general rule, I’ve noticed that if ghosters come back, it’s often when all three of these are true:
You no longer need them. If you needed them to be there for you when you were going through shit, that’s it. They will be gone as soon as they get an exit — but of course, they won’t tell you ahead of time even if you ask them bluntly.
You no longer want them, if you were dating. I’ve never had a ghost return while I was still pining for them. Ever.
You’re in a better position or they’re in a worse position than they were. Or both. Basically, they want to see if you’re doing better or have something they want.
To date, I’ve been ghosted a bunch. Every single returning ghoster I’ve met had these three points in common when they hit me up.
And when it comes to ghosting, I mean a person who doesn’t return calls after weeks or months. A ghost actively avoids replying to messages and is aware that you’re calling them out.
Why do ghosters ghost?
Ghosting is an act of cowardice. It’s an act of breaking the social contract, often after getting what they want from you. It’s an act that denies you closure and protects their fragile ego.
This is their way of breaking things off while protecting their ego. They can’t stand being the bad guy. They are too weak to have tough conversations. At times, they might also have done it because they are trying to “shelve” a person because they think they have better options.
In other words, ghosting says a lot about that person’s personality and behavior. A ghoster is a person who will always, always take the easy way out. You can never rely on them. You can never trust them.
I’ve learned that I don’t accept ghosting in my life. I can accept people telling me that they don’t want to be with me anymore. I can accept people saying, “Until you get ZYZ under control, I gotta distance myself.”
I cannot accept people vanishing, especially if they insisted that they were going to be there at a specific time and place. This is doubly true if I made it clear that I needed people to be there for me, and moreso, when I was at a low point.
There is only one legitimate reason to ghost, and that’s fear of harm coming to you. This is literally the only reason I would ever condone ghosting. If you fear for your safety around this person, ghost away. If you worry they would harm themselves or threaten to harm themselves, call 911 if they make that threat. It may save their life or give them the help they need.
Why do ghosters return?
Well, I’ll tell you this much: ghosters generally don’t return because they care about YOU. Rather, they return because they care about them. They see it as a convenient way to avoid tough talks — or at least, a way to just get ego kibble while they ignore your very real feelings.
This is why so many ghosters come back and act as if they did nothing wrong. They want to keep it convenient and they are hoping you’ll ignore their indiscretions.
The Common Reasons
I did a deep dive on this after it started happening left and right. According to psychologists, there are several commonplace reasons that they return:
Boredom paired with loneliness. If they feel lonely enough, they’ll try to find their ghostees as a way to fill gaps of boredom and loneliness.
Something they want from you. Be it sex, money, fame…a lot of people only will want you when you are on the upswing.
Remembering you. Ever have a moment where a person pops up in your head? Sometimes, if it’s been a long enough time and it was just a matter of drifting away from each other, this could be the reason why. Of course, that’s not really ghosting. That’s drifting apart.
Narcissism. A lot of people will ghost and return just to see if you’ll let them in. It gives them a thrill.
Just got dumped. A lot of people ghost because they start pursuing someone else. Then, when that relationship fails, they crawl back to the person or persons they dropped.
Rebounding. Just saying, E-Harmony clocks rebound failures at 90 percent.
Regret?
I’ve heard a lot of people say they believe ghosters could evolve and that they may have regretted the way things ended. I’m sure that might be true in some cases.
However, I am not sure that I’d believe that to be the case with the cast majority of ghosters.
Perhaps a scant few regret it, but you have to ask why they regret it. It’s likely not because they hurt you. If anything, they knew it hurt. They didn’t care when it mattered.
Should you take them back?
No. No, not at all.
Here’s the thing: everyone agrees ghosting is a shit thing to do. It’s a known relationship destroyer. So, if you’d regret doing it, why would you do it in the first place if there was ever a chance that you’d still want to see that person as a friend?
It’s not a cultural glitch, either. Even in poly and relationship anarchist circles, there’s an expectation of common courtesy. It is not a lapse of judgment or a miscommunication in the vast majority of cases.
A small text of, “Hey, I am not feeling this. I just want you to know that we might not be able to have sex anymore but I do/don’t want to hang out platonically,” is a must-have if you want to maintain good ties with anyone.
Maya Angelou told the world, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Allowing them back in is a good way to show them that it’s okay to treat you that way. Unfortunately, you have to train people on how to treat you. What I’m saying is that the individual is likely to ghost again if you give them a pass.
How should you react to a person who comes back after ghosting?
Honestly, the biggest thing is to realize that they will continue to treat you like shit if you give them an inch. I’ve even tested it out on ghosts by saying, “If you are serious, do XYZ.”
They never do what is asked because that requires effort. It also requires character and a little moxie. Or chutzpah. Ghosters generally lack that unless it greatly benefits them to have it.
From what I’ve read online, the best way to handle a ghoster is to not bother. If it makes you feel better, tell them that they fucked up and that they are no longer welcome in your life.
However, that’s for YOUR closure, not theirs. A lot of ghsosters get off on seeing you reply at all — taking it as an invite to maybe float back in again.
As for now, just remember what Marilyn Monroe said:
Awww. Cute kitty!
“Ego kibble”. 😆 thank you for that!