I wanted kids and love being a mom. Theres so much joy in having grown kids! But if nobody is helping you, it’s beyond exhausting. We’ve been taking women for granted forever. Nobody thought we’d ever stop giving. But we’ve fucking had it. We didn’t just get the right to have careers. In some cases, men have said, “So you’ll do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare, and now you’ll support the household financially, too! Cool! Whelp, I’ll just be in my room playing video games then.” I know of a few situations like this. Those men are butthurt when no woman wants them.
My headcanon is that you are alternate universe me, in a universe where I’m a lot more wholesome, have a love of parenting, and like living in an area that doesn’t look like a crime-riddled NeoTokyo.
If you, of all people, say women have had it, then I know it’s not me just hallucinating!
Personally, I have a caring and dependable guy. But omg, the stories I see from other women are mind-boggling. Did you read Jessica Calarco’s book, Holding It Together? Her tagline is “America runs on women.” You should read it. I interviewed her not long ago and posted something. Women are really being screwed!
Treating women like people … what a concept 🙄. You are not wrong about any of this and I am embarrassed by the attitudes and sense of entitlement of so many men. Number 1 of the Big Lie of Parenting should be that “pregnancy is the best time of your life.” I heard this ridiculous statement periodically throughout my career. I was one of those docs who never set an age limit for tubal ligations (many in their 20’s and at least one teenager) but there was usually some pushback, sometimes family, often hospitals. Doctors would express concern about malpractice liability “if they change their mind.” The common thread was an (insulting) implication that I wasn’t getting proper informed consent.
Hi Ossiana, what a timely newsletter, at least in my life. I'm 60, childfree, worked as a teacher, caregiver to narcissistic men, was a sex-object, raised in a religious cult that was entirely male-dominated, was shamed by my mother for not having children, etc. Now all of the shaming and controlling of women in politics and society. I couldn't do enough for everyone, but always felt like I was never enough. What a waste of time. I'm fed up and shrugging it off. Ah, collective! Thanks!
I also worked as a disaster relief coordinator and aide in Honduras, Belize, and Thailand as well as being a scuba instructor for 6 years. I'm now do a deep diving into art and Being.
The article you have written here will make a difference in my life :-)
This is spot on for women of all ages! The rise in grey divorces is another indicator that women are done exhausting themselves for what? The what is what I dove into after the end of my 29 year marriage and dating is another "for what?" so far the answer is more work for me while they glean all of the benefits, truly they have no idea that they have to offer something to me. I love my singleness, there is so much freedom in not sacrificing anymore.
I agree that this is going to continue and the small percentage of women of all ages that even want to date (Pew) is an indicator that this will continue. I am excited for women of all ages as they decenter men and explore all of the opportunities that await them, enjoy!
Every single point addressed in this article could not be more spot on. I wish, and realize it’s a pipe dream, that the US had maternity and paternity leave policies like Finland’s (pretty sure it’s Finland, if not it’s a country in the same region). Three years and each parent can alternate being home, like dad stays home for the first 18 months then mom takes the next or vice versa. They receive supplemental income that doesn’t match their earned income so it’s not perfect. If you consider the lesser income as the money that would go to child care anyway and instead allows parents to be home with their kids during those first few years it seems fair to me. I am not in any way criticizing parents that utilize daycare. I did with my oldest and I stopped working and brought my youngest to stay home with me at 18 months because she was always ill with respiratory infections which stopped immediately. I stayed home with her until she was four and ready to go to “school” (preK-4). Imo it was best for us. It was a financial struggle for sure, but so was the cost of childcare and after school care for the oldest. I know that’s not optional for everyone, my point is that it should be more attainable and would be if childcare were subsidized.
As for the stigma of childless women, F that!! This expectation that women must be mothers is absurd especially with regard to the way men are not stigmatized (by society at large, their families, or their communities in most cases that I’ve seen) for fathering children and then dropping off the scene.
It’s just expected that the moms will take over and duly play the role of single parent. What if all the single moms dealing with absent/deadbeat/unreliable dads to their kids said F it and left the kids in care of the state the same way the dads left them with the those same moms? Society would vilify them and pity the dad that can’t see his kids because of that [insert any one of many derogatory terms for women] that had the audacity to do precisely what he did.
For 42 years my covert narcissistic mother was my puppet master. She pushed me into marriage at age 20 because I intended to leave my live-in boyfriend of 2 years. I knew he wasn’t going to propose anytime soon and I didn’t want to play house with him without a long term commitment in the form of an engagement. Being a narcissist himself, but overt, he love bombed me with notions of engagement and marriage then fell away from that talk once he move in and began what became 18 years of financial manipulation. It began with with him not paying rent and bills when we first shacked up, then not paying the court ordered extraordinary expenses he was required to pay for our kid when we divorced. Expenses like 61% of any and all medical bills after I spent $200 out of pocket per year. He was supposed to pay 61% of private school tuition (sorry, not sorry, we live in Louisiana and if I could provide private school education for every kid in this backwards ass state I would in a heartbeat) but never paid more than 61% of kindergarten level private school tuition. For those not familiar, it goes up every year and by high school the cost is about double what it was in kindergarten. He refused to pay a dime for anything that he wasn’t court required to pay (school trips, college applications, prom and graduation suits, etc.) in spite of all the money he got away with not paying that he was required to pay. Insisting I was hiding income, I once had to turn over 2 1/2 years of bank statements to his attorney (my attorney required the same of him after that). And I was incredibly fortunate to have an attorney at all. Family Court is a racket! You can put whatever you like in a custody agreement but you can’t enforce it unless you can pay an attorney to take it to court. I can easily see why a woman would not be able to keep her kids or could find it easier to let the dads raise them.
What I’m trying to say is if men are allowed to “not be cut out for family life/parenting” and bail it’s almost and in many cases, is, socially acceptable. Yet it is NEVER the same for a woman. We’re supposed to want kids and to sacrifice any and everything to do it. But not men. This social norm MUST CHANGE along with every other one identified in this post!
Great article! Now I hope that Afghan women can go on strike - even if it is covert! We have accepted all of these roles, until it got too much. They have no freedom to choose.
I wanted kids and love being a mom. Theres so much joy in having grown kids! But if nobody is helping you, it’s beyond exhausting. We’ve been taking women for granted forever. Nobody thought we’d ever stop giving. But we’ve fucking had it. We didn’t just get the right to have careers. In some cases, men have said, “So you’ll do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare, and now you’ll support the household financially, too! Cool! Whelp, I’ll just be in my room playing video games then.” I know of a few situations like this. Those men are butthurt when no woman wants them.
My headcanon is that you are alternate universe me, in a universe where I’m a lot more wholesome, have a love of parenting, and like living in an area that doesn’t look like a crime-riddled NeoTokyo.
If you, of all people, say women have had it, then I know it’s not me just hallucinating!
Personally, I have a caring and dependable guy. But omg, the stories I see from other women are mind-boggling. Did you read Jessica Calarco’s book, Holding It Together? Her tagline is “America runs on women.” You should read it. I interviewed her not long ago and posted something. Women are really being screwed!
Also, if you’re alternate-universe me, why can’t I dance?!?
Treating women like people … what a concept 🙄. You are not wrong about any of this and I am embarrassed by the attitudes and sense of entitlement of so many men. Number 1 of the Big Lie of Parenting should be that “pregnancy is the best time of your life.” I heard this ridiculous statement periodically throughout my career. I was one of those docs who never set an age limit for tubal ligations (many in their 20’s and at least one teenager) but there was usually some pushback, sometimes family, often hospitals. Doctors would express concern about malpractice liability “if they change their mind.” The common thread was an (insulting) implication that I wasn’t getting proper informed consent.
Hi Ossiana, what a timely newsletter, at least in my life. I'm 60, childfree, worked as a teacher, caregiver to narcissistic men, was a sex-object, raised in a religious cult that was entirely male-dominated, was shamed by my mother for not having children, etc. Now all of the shaming and controlling of women in politics and society. I couldn't do enough for everyone, but always felt like I was never enough. What a waste of time. I'm fed up and shrugging it off. Ah, collective! Thanks!
I also worked as a disaster relief coordinator and aide in Honduras, Belize, and Thailand as well as being a scuba instructor for 6 years. I'm now do a deep diving into art and Being.
The article you have written here will make a difference in my life :-)
I really appreciate it! Feel free to share it with others. I've been really wondering how far the shares can go!
This is spot on for women of all ages! The rise in grey divorces is another indicator that women are done exhausting themselves for what? The what is what I dove into after the end of my 29 year marriage and dating is another "for what?" so far the answer is more work for me while they glean all of the benefits, truly they have no idea that they have to offer something to me. I love my singleness, there is so much freedom in not sacrificing anymore.
I agree that this is going to continue and the small percentage of women of all ages that even want to date (Pew) is an indicator that this will continue. I am excited for women of all ages as they decenter men and explore all of the opportunities that await them, enjoy!
It's great that women are finally realizing, that men need women a lot more than women need men!
Every single point addressed in this article could not be more spot on. I wish, and realize it’s a pipe dream, that the US had maternity and paternity leave policies like Finland’s (pretty sure it’s Finland, if not it’s a country in the same region). Three years and each parent can alternate being home, like dad stays home for the first 18 months then mom takes the next or vice versa. They receive supplemental income that doesn’t match their earned income so it’s not perfect. If you consider the lesser income as the money that would go to child care anyway and instead allows parents to be home with their kids during those first few years it seems fair to me. I am not in any way criticizing parents that utilize daycare. I did with my oldest and I stopped working and brought my youngest to stay home with me at 18 months because she was always ill with respiratory infections which stopped immediately. I stayed home with her until she was four and ready to go to “school” (preK-4). Imo it was best for us. It was a financial struggle for sure, but so was the cost of childcare and after school care for the oldest. I know that’s not optional for everyone, my point is that it should be more attainable and would be if childcare were subsidized.
As for the stigma of childless women, F that!! This expectation that women must be mothers is absurd especially with regard to the way men are not stigmatized (by society at large, their families, or their communities in most cases that I’ve seen) for fathering children and then dropping off the scene.
It’s just expected that the moms will take over and duly play the role of single parent. What if all the single moms dealing with absent/deadbeat/unreliable dads to their kids said F it and left the kids in care of the state the same way the dads left them with the those same moms? Society would vilify them and pity the dad that can’t see his kids because of that [insert any one of many derogatory terms for women] that had the audacity to do precisely what he did.
For 42 years my covert narcissistic mother was my puppet master. She pushed me into marriage at age 20 because I intended to leave my live-in boyfriend of 2 years. I knew he wasn’t going to propose anytime soon and I didn’t want to play house with him without a long term commitment in the form of an engagement. Being a narcissist himself, but overt, he love bombed me with notions of engagement and marriage then fell away from that talk once he move in and began what became 18 years of financial manipulation. It began with with him not paying rent and bills when we first shacked up, then not paying the court ordered extraordinary expenses he was required to pay for our kid when we divorced. Expenses like 61% of any and all medical bills after I spent $200 out of pocket per year. He was supposed to pay 61% of private school tuition (sorry, not sorry, we live in Louisiana and if I could provide private school education for every kid in this backwards ass state I would in a heartbeat) but never paid more than 61% of kindergarten level private school tuition. For those not familiar, it goes up every year and by high school the cost is about double what it was in kindergarten. He refused to pay a dime for anything that he wasn’t court required to pay (school trips, college applications, prom and graduation suits, etc.) in spite of all the money he got away with not paying that he was required to pay. Insisting I was hiding income, I once had to turn over 2 1/2 years of bank statements to his attorney (my attorney required the same of him after that). And I was incredibly fortunate to have an attorney at all. Family Court is a racket! You can put whatever you like in a custody agreement but you can’t enforce it unless you can pay an attorney to take it to court. I can easily see why a woman would not be able to keep her kids or could find it easier to let the dads raise them.
What I’m trying to say is if men are allowed to “not be cut out for family life/parenting” and bail it’s almost and in many cases, is, socially acceptable. Yet it is NEVER the same for a woman. We’re supposed to want kids and to sacrifice any and everything to do it. But not men. This social norm MUST CHANGE along with every other one identified in this post!
Another great article! You’re on fire lately.
Well stated, and thorough.
Another thought provoking article.
Great article! Now I hope that Afghan women can go on strike - even if it is covert! We have accepted all of these roles, until it got too much. They have no freedom to choose.
👏👏👏 excellent
I mean a lot of this screed just isn’t true, especially the idea that men aren’t doing more child and housework now.
But more honestly my reaction is just grieving for a culture cheering on its own death.
Hopefully at least some of the worlds cultures won’t fall for this and the human experience can continue ever onwards